Mutual Coaching: Expanding Our View of What "Coaching" Is All About

In a recent article in The YES! Leader, I described the concept of “framing” – the process of conjuring images in our heads whenever we hear certain words. These images serve as metaphors that shape our definitions of those words and determine our attitudes toward the concepts they represent.

One common business term that people tend to frame in widely different ways is “Coach.” To some,“Coach” evokes the image of a manager who observes a direct report, gives feedback on his performance, and advises him how to do things differently – much like a sports coach giving instructions and orders to his players. Others might also think of a “Coach” as a manager working with a direct report on his performance, but in more of a two-way, question-oriented manner that focuses on leading the direct to self-discovery of what he should do. Still others might expand the image of “Coach” beyond the manager-subordinate context and envision a peer engaging in a dialogue with another peer to help her find a solution to a performance issue.

Each of these three frames contains differences that can cause disagreement among the people who hold them if they are not explored. Yet all three do have one element in common: The picture of one person sitting in the “coach’s chair” and the other person in the “coachee’s chair.” In this view, the coachee is the one with something to learn, do, or change, with the coach being the instrument of the coachee’s improvement.

But even this Coaching frame can be expanded if we consider what really goes on in any effective coaching interaction: 1) A gap is identified between what exists and what’s desired; 2) Possibilities for closing that gap are identified; and 3) An agreement is reached about specific action steps to close that gap.

With this expanded view, I think we can find yet another way to frame coaching – what I refer to as Mutual Coaching.

Let me illustrate this with an example. Gary and Kate are team members who are participating in a group brainstorming session when Gary starts to get agitated at the session’s lack of progress. After Kate mentions a particularly off-the-wall idea, Gary makes a comment about all the “dumb” ideas that are leading the group nowhere. After the meeting, Gary stops by Kate’s office to discuss another team matter, but Kate ignores him and just keeps working at her computer. Angry, Gary storms down to their office of their manager, Danielle, and complains about Kate’s “unprofessionalism” and “uncalled-for behavior.”

As Danielle inquires into the interaction, she learns about what transpired at the earlier meeting. She decides to engage in a standard supervisor-to-direct-report coaching session with Gary by (among other things) asking, “How do you think Kate might have felt when you said the group was generating ‘dumb’ ideas?” As he considers the question, Gary concedes that, yes, Kate might have been offended by that comment, and it might have been the reason for her ignoring him later, but that was still no excuse for her “childish” behavior. Gary then says, “I suppose I could have handled the meeting differently, but I think you need to coach Kate about her behavior, too. She’s not totally innocent here.”

Now, many managers might take the bait and get further embroiled in the Gary-Kate controversy by calling in Kate for a coaching session as well. But Danielle realizes that doing so would 1) remove the accountability for resolving the issue from Gary’s and Kate’s shoulders, 2) rob them of an opportunity to develop their conflict-resolution skills, and 3) distract Danielle from her own tasks. So Danielle says instead: “If you think Kate exhibited unproductive behavior, I’d really like to see you work that issue with her yourself.”

After thinking about it, Gary approaches Kate again:

GARY: I’m sensing a lot of tension between us. I think it’s important for us to have a good working relationship, so I’d like to see if we can work through our differences.

KATE: OK.

GARY: When I came in here before, you didn’t look up or acknowledge my presence. I’m wondering if that had something to do with our brainstorming meeting.

KATE: Well, yeah, I was mad! You called my idea dumb.

GARY: I can see why you thought that, and I apologize. I didn’t think we were making good progress, but I shouldn’t have used that word. I wonder if we can make some agreements going forward?

KATE: Agreements?

GARY: About how to have productive meetings and work together better. Speaking for myself, I know I need to avoid using words like “dumb” when I get frustrated with our progress. What else do you think we need to do?

KATE: I think we need to recognize the purpose of brainstorming sessions. We’re supposed to generate off-the-wall ideas to help us break old patterns of thinking and find creative solutions.

GARY: I know. At the same time, I think we’re getting behind in our project. Maybe we should lead off our next team meeting with a discussion about our progress.

KATE: Sounds good.

GARY: What else, if anything, do we need to do to work together better?

KATE: Well … from now on, I should probably tell you if something’s bothering me rather than avoiding talking with you about it.

GARY (smiling): And I’ll do the same.

In this type of Mutual Coaching interaction, both parties play the role of coach and coachee simultaneously. In the course of their interaction, they satisfy the above description of coaching by: 1) Identifying a gap, 2) Coming up with ideas to close it, and 3) Reaching agreement on action steps to put those ideas into effect. In the process, both Gary and Kate learn something about the other - and about their own capabilities for working through difficult interpersonal issues.

In Mutual Coaching, you don't have to wait for a designated "coach" to step up to the role of helping someone else work a change in behavior. You can do it yourself - and open yourself for coaching at the same time. Mutual Coaching expands our frames for thinking about coaching and can help us realize the range of opportunities we have for coaching each other - and even for coaching ourselves.