How to Engage in Positive Disagreement

I’ve pointed out a number of times how taking a Yes, And approach can help the YES! Leader maintain a positive, collaborative atmosphere.  I’ve also mentioned that saying Yes, And doesn’t necessarily mean Agreeing with another’s Position, but it does mean:

·         Accepting the Person;

·         Acknowledging the Possibilities in what he says; and

·         Advancing with Positive Purpose.

But it still seems as if we have a paradox here: What does it mean to say “Yes” to someone while disagreeing with his position?

A classic example can help illustrate this point. Let’s say that I’m scripting a scene involving two people (whom I’ll cleverly call Person A and Person B) who are eagerly eyeing an orange sitting in a bowl on a table. Imagine that I begin writing dialogue that goes something like this:

PERSON A: I want the orange!

PERSON B: No, I want the orange!

PERSON A: I want the orange!

PERSON B: No, I want the orange!

PERSON A: I want the orange!

PERSON B: No, I want the orange!

OK, this scene is going nowhere fast. I’ll wad up that attempt and try again:

PERSON A: I want the orange!

PERSON B: No, I want the orange!

PERSON A: OK, you say you want the orange – but why?

PERSON B: I want to make juice.

PERSON A: Well, I want to make marmalade.

PERSON B: In that case, here’s an idea: Why don’t I take the inside of the orange …

PERSON A: … and I’ll take the rind!

PERSON A & B (together): Brilliant!

Ah, yes, that’s much better – and let’s see why.

In Version 1, the two characters had fallen victim to what’s called Getting Stuck on a Position. As long as each character presents his “want” in terms of acquiring the only available orange, there’s no way to satisfy them both. The result is impasse and stalemate – and a complete block to further progress.

However, in Version 2, Person A decided to get unstuck from his position. He chose to Advance with Positive Purpose by exploring what interests lay behind Person B’s position. By asking that key question – Why? – he was able to find common ground with B and thereby discovered that the availability of only one orange was not a barrier to both of their interests being met.

This is how you can disagree with someone else’s position while still saying “Yes”! You don’t have to look for agreement only at the “position” level. By asking “Why?” you open yourself (and the other) to the possibilities for saying “Yes” at the “interest” level.

REFLECTIONS FOR THE YES! LEADER

Have you ever been in a business meeting where two or more participants engaged in dialogue that sounded like Version 1? Where they just repeatedly batted the same position back and forth, with maybe a few word variations but basically the same message? Was it about as productive – and as interesting – as Version 1? What would have happened if one of the participants had asked “Why?” And – shades of picking up trash in the forest – what was stopping you from asking “Why?”