Excerpt from Dealing with Conflict, by Jean Lebedun

DEVELOPING STRATEGIES FOR HIGH-STRESS TIMES

[Derived from Managing Workplace Conflict, by Jean Lebedun, Ph. D.]

The basic premise of dealing with conflict is this: cooperate, don't compete.

In fact, one of the five possible outcomes of conflict - collaboration - is the logical extension of cooperation. The point is to work together rather than against each other. It's your responsibility to lead the way. When you listen first, the other person will probably listen to you. When you treat someone with respect, that person will probably treat you with respect too. 

Does it always work? No. Some people just won't cooperate even though you are doing everything right.

You'll need special skills for dealing with these people. They may fall into the category of "difficult people," those who are chronically (and predictably) hard to work with. Or they may be individuals who are having a very bad day. You'll know you're faced with challenges when someone does one or more of the following:

·         Attacks

·         Accuses

·         Calls you names

·         Manipulates

·         Exaggerates shamelessly

·         Demands

·         Threatens

GETTING THE RIGHT MINDSET

Imagine that you are out fishing on a lovely spring day. As you sit on the bank of the stream, you feel a tug at the end of your line. There's a fish down there! Now consider this question: Who or what caught the fish? Many answers are possible: the bait, the hook, the pole.

Consider another answer: The fish caught itself. Although all the other elements were present, the real cause was the fish itself. The fish opened its big mouth and took the bait.

Do you ever "take the bait"? Do you ever "get hooked"? Most of us would admit that this happens when difficult people use high-pressure tactics. In these cases, we usually say things like "He pressed my hot buttons!"

Take another look. Remember that the fish hooked itself. You press your own hot buttons. You hook yourself. Although the difficult person may say something extreme like "You idiot!" the choice to get frustrated is yours.

It's true that difficult people select tempting bait to dangle in front of you (they took notes in the past when you got upset). But the choice to get emotionally hooked - or not - is yours. 

This is good news. You can choose not to get hooked. You can choose to stay calm and rational. Yes, your heart may be racing, but you don't have to fall apart and become an emotional basket case.

Let’s compare the old way of thinking to the new way:

Old Way of Thinking	New Way of Thinking
She made me angry.	I became angry.
He upset me.	I was upset.
They humiliated me.	I felt humiliated when I heard those comments.
He insulted me.	I took it as an insult.
She manipulated me.	I fell for her attempt to manipulate.

The goal of the new way of thinking is twofold:

·         Taking responsibility for your reactions.

·         Gaining emotional self-control.

In a moment, we’ll look at five strategies that can keep you from getting hooked.

AVOIDING THE HOOK

You can avoid the hook. The following five strategies can help you deal with difficult people without getting caught in their negative traps. Those strategies are: 

1) Sorting (choosing words or other aspects of a communication to which you will not respond)

2) Fogging (stating a vague acknowledgment)

3) Time Out (stating an exact time to resume talking)

4) Broken Record (repeating your point in a calm, convincing manner)

5) Requesting (using an "I" statement to express what you want, need, or prefer)

Strategy 1: Sorting

What Might Happen

During a conflict, the other person says, "You idiot! Can't you just tell me who the client is?"

What You Can Do

You can choose to mentally sort out, or ignore, the ugly word "idiot." That word is the bait. It's the other part of the comment that's relevant to the conflict. So you choose not to respond to "idiot" and you say instead, "Yes, I can tell you that the client is Acme Trucking."

Be careful of your nonverbals. Say your statement calmly, with a level, even tone of voice. Keep your facial expression neutral rather than twisted with sarcasm.

Sorting is a skill that helps you identify what is worth your attention. You avoid responding to extreme language or tone of voice. You choose your priority in the communication.

Caution

When you're using the sorting technique, don't say you're in sorting. It might be tempting to say: "I'm not going to answer that last remark." Don't. When you explain, you show that you're hooked. You sound defensive. Just calmly and self-confidently answer only the part of the person's comment that you choose to consider important. You're in control of your own communication and your own emotions. 

Other Examples

Someone says: "You're lying to me. You didn't put that contract in the mail."

You say: "I put the contract in the mail on May 21."

Someone says: "Just quit your pathetic whining and tell me when the deadline is."

You say: "The deadline is today at 4 p.m."

Strategy 2: Fogging

What Might Happen

During a conflict, the other person says, "I demand an answer now! Do I get the 10 percent rate or not?"

What You Can Do

Sometimes people try to push you into a corner. It's hard to think straight in these situations. But when you realize that you need more time to make a decision - spread some fog.

Fog is vague and wispy. It's not a definite "yes" or "no" because you just don't have that kind of clarity yourself. Fogging uses statements like, "I'm going to bring this issue to the committee. I'll call you with that information by 3:30 tomorrow afternoon."

That's not an answer but it's a commitment to get an answer. It's the best you can do in some situations. Be sure to follow through exactly as you have promised. The purpose of fogging is to buy some time, not give the person the brush-off.

When you can give a definite answer, of course, you should do so. But don't feel forced to say something in haste that you'll later regret. Use fog when you need to:

·         Check the facts and figures.

·         Check with a person in higher authority.

·         Include other people in the planning.

·         Wait for other developments.

·         Receive a communication with updated information.

·         Think things over and weigh your decision.

Caution

Prepare for rejection. The person you're speaking to doesn't like fog. This is probably someone who has perfected pressure tactics and expects them to work. You'll get more pressure - a louder voice, stronger words. But if you have the strength of your convictions, you won't get hooked. After all, you're buying time to get the highest quality information you can. It's all in the other person's best interests anyway.

Strategy 3: Time Out

What Might Happen

During a conflict, tempers flare. The situation escalates. People lose their self-control. 

What You Can Do

Call a break before things get out of hand. Trust your good judgment. Whenever you think, "We're not getting anywhere. We need to get away and cool off" - you're right.

You can call a time out in a one-on-one communication or in a meeting involving several people. Just be sure you speak firmly when you announce the break. Don't sound tentative or unsure. And don't forget to specify a time to resume so everyone knows that you're not backing down from the issue.

Your announcement might be: "Let's take a break now. We'll resume in 30 minutes, right here in the conference room. I'll see you then."

Caution

Avoid adding a statement of attack. This kind of attack is common, so you could easily follow a bad example you've heard: "Let's resume in 30 minutes, when you've learned some manners."

The last part of that statement hits below the belt. Edit it out. Avoid saying "when you've settled down," "when you can discuss this calmly," or anything of the kind. These statements tend to make people defensive and put them in counterattack mode.

What you're hoping for, of course, is that the other side will calm down during the time out. Give this process a chance to work. If you feel doubtful, propose some ground rules when you get back together. Put these in terms that are specific and nonpersonal. For example:"From here on, I suggest we follow two ground rules: We'll keep our voices at a normal volume, and we let the other one talk without interruption. Would you agree to that? Are there any you would add?"

Strategy 4: Broken Record

What Might Happen

During a conflict, the other person refuses to acknowledge your statements or explanations, even after you have given complete details.

What You Can Do

Play a broken record. State your point calmly and repeatedly in spite of the opposition you hear. After all, at this point in the conversation, you’ve reached your bottom line.

If you use this skill too early, you’ll sound stubborn and pigheaded. The broken record is appropriate only after you have explained, explored, and taken ample time to answer all objections. Early on, you had hoped for collaboration. Now you realize that you must stand your ground.

Your reasons for being so firm may be ethical, legal, or procedural. The point is that you have nothing more to offer. So repeat your point:

YOU: I need your signature on the form.

OTHER: Oh, shut up. I don’t see why that’s necessary.

YOU: I need your signature on this form, please.

OTHER: Well, I’m not going to sign, and you can’t make me.

YOU: Please sign the form – that’s all I need.

Notice that you can vary the wording so as not to sound mocking. But you’re really saying the same thing. You’re not arguing, just being persistent.

Persistence pays off. After about the third or fourth time you’ve made your point, people will probably do what you’re asking – or at least consider it.

Caution

When using this approach, watch your nonverbal communication. Keep your vocal tone respectful, and don’t let that glaring, defiant look settle on your face. Keep your hands relaxed, not clenched into fists. These nonverbals make all the difference in remaining assertive, not aggressive.

Strategy 5: Request

What Might Happen

During a conflict, the other person engages in extreme verbal or nonverbal communication, such as shouting, name-calling, or fist-shaking. You decide not to use the sorting approach this time.

What You Can Do

Sometimes it’s best to state what you need, clearly and firmly. It’s honest, it’s straightforward – the essence of assertiveness. Be sure to use an “I” (not a “you”) statement:

“I want you to lower your voice.”

“I want you to call me by my name.”

“I want us to stay focused on the issue, nothing else.”

If “you” had been the first word of the sentence, it would probably have ended aggressively:

“You are being rude and offensive.”

Keep it responsible with the “I” opening. And keep it positive, asking for an improvement rather than directly blaming.

Caution

Leave out any disclaimers, such as “I hope you won’t be offended when I say this” or “Maybe I’m a little too sensitive about this.” Disclaimers can undercut the assertive behavior you’re wanting to display.